September 8, 2010

• When I realized that love wasn’t unconditional.

  I once believed that true love was unconditional, that a person was willing to go through any measure of lengths to make another happy. As I have grown, I have realized that as much as I had hoped to believe that such love exists between two people, as certain as I was that its potential existed within me, and as much as I wished that such love was reciprocated. I realized that I was wrong.

  I first learned this through my mother. My mother meant everything to me as a child. Being one with no father, our hardships were countless. We were looked at with pity, weakness, shame. I wanted to protect her and give her a life where she wouldn’t need to struggle anymore. I truly believed, if I ever loved anyone, I loved my mother unconditionally.

  Then I went to college. My mother and I had strained our relationship to a point beyond repair. I found myself fighting for her love, for her protection, and for myself. But I lost them all. All to a man I despised with every bone in my body. Cornered every step of the way with lies and empty promises; a part of me died. My strong beliefs of what family should be, shattered to pieces. I felt more than betrayed. I was dug a coffin and asked nicely to walk in as my mother turned the other way. It hurt like no other pain. It hurts even now, to look her in the eyes.

  But no matter how much I wanted to love her, I couldn’t walk into that coffin.

  Sometimes, in order to love a person, it causes harm to oneself. Sometimes, we think its okay.  We let it slip, even if it haunts us later on. We go through immeasurable lengths to love someone and we hold on to it for as long as we can. And we do it again. It’s like... an addiction.

  Simultaneously, we fear.

  We can’t willingly walk into that coffin; and when we are asked to, we respond with resentment. Such a request becomes unforgivable. And we remember forever.

  A person can give infinite love, but they cannot love without loving themselves. By that, I may not necessarily mean their physical life, but their values, choices, and truths.

  Unconditional, is a word of my past. I will bury and burn it with the flames of my will.

  • 11:17 pm
  • 4 Comments