July 25, 2013

  • So this is the final goodbye.

    Xanga, my most forward reflection. Thank you for connecting me to some of my life’s most precious friends, and for helping me find and keep them. You gave me a place to be me, to write poetry, to write endlessly about a sport that most of the planet doesn’t even comprehend, and to fill out ridiculous pre-made survey questions. Trivially lost words of love and solace, you granted me emotions I could not afford to execute in the dimensions of a harsh reality. 
    In our golden days, I was subscribed to many interesting writers. Inspiring, ambitious, logical, and very illogical writers of countless occupation. Students, entrepreneurs, and dreamers alike, bound by the gratification of public blogging. 
    The best blogs were always the poems with poetry responses, how I miss those dearly. 
    A community with more than just LOL cats, rage faces, and other memes, 40 line statuses of how life can be so perfect or perfectly unfair.
    We were better!
    I bid you farewell, my bittersweet adolescence. The flowers have bloomed and blossomed to a new age and era. As the wind takes the seeds this July 31st, I can only pray that it’s new home will be Xanga 2.0.   

April 23, 2013

  • It brings me to tears, 

    Watching you smile and 
    Dance around words
    You believed
    To be long forgotten truths. 
    I remember - 
    but I will not speak
    Not a sound 
    Will come from me
    For I live 
    In your painting. 
    I am but on-going art piece,
    Layer upon layer 
    I await patiently. 
    The warm colors cool, 
    They sink and they seep. 
    The weather is perfect here, 
    But the brushes still sweep. 
    Unending, unfinished, 
    Imperfectly incomplete. 
    You place a dream on a canvas, 
    And then refuse 
    To join me. 

April 18, 2013

  • Bought the bf the phiaton ps 210 BTNC, so far seems like it’s doing the job. In general, I am pretty satisfied with the performance and specs. For the price though, I am disappointed with the flimsiness of the wires, seems too easy to break :(  

    Any recommendations for similar alternative?  Possibly waterproof? Ya know… something convenient for exercising…. and maybe multiple BT pairing functionality and equally strong battery life? 

March 26, 2013

  • Past practically complete lost hope, I have been officially offered a position at the place in which has employed me for the past year and 10 months. I am so relieved and so happy not needing to scrape by pay check to pay check anymore and can’t wait to make my first doctor’s/dental appointment, since it’s been two years. Finally, this lingering burden of fear can be put down for a little while. I don’t wake up an hour earlier than I should in anxiety anymore.  It’s just so nice. It was hard earned, and I am very grateful it bore fruit. 

February 21, 2013

  • career change.

    I’m thinking long and hard about it, but where do I really belong? How will I know for sure? A co-worker jokingly said he was switching to a comedian. I’ve been stressed out for too long, my burning desire for success, slimmed to a burning desire to survive, and as they’ve toyed with my emotions for the past 1 3/4 years, my flame will soon wither by a drop of water sliding in from my broken rooftop of a shelter. 
    My external locus of control tells me it’s a sign, my internal locus of control insists on blossoming a flower that doesn’t have enough nutrients to bloom. Stuck between pride and fear, my loyalty lies neutral in dismay. The game is ending soon, by choice or not, the next hand must be played. 

August 24, 2012

  • For the first time in 10 years, I drank a Snapple Peach Ice Tea. Didn’t even realize that I haven’t… How things change, the flavor isn’t what it used to be

July 29, 2012

  • oh yes! btw, I am employed again :) for those who were worried, my old old mgr hired me back and put me back on his team :D If we don’t lose this client, I can keep my job! weee. lol, worked 59 hours last week, let’s get these client deliverables out. 

July 22, 2012

  • Hey folks, I came across a blog from datingish about your ” ‘Flexuality (or Sexual FlexibilityTest. The test, “assesses your attitudes, feelings, experiences, and desires’ “. My results say that I was more or less ambisexual: similarly aroused by men and women, pretty much the classic version of bi-sexual, very 50-50 between the two. 

    I don’t quite know how I feel about the result. I expected the result to say that I was sexually restrained if anything. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called prude, or “not the typical white girl” (when I’m only half white to begin with), or just not too crazy, lol or even boring and dry. 

    I’ve always felt that I could be emotionally/spiritually attached to any person, male or female, black or white, physically attracted to any person, but only sexually attracted to men. 

    I mean kissing a girl is one thing, and I don’t even mean making out, I mean just a peck. Maybe even getting fondled is fathomable. But sex is out of the question, straight up weird for me. 

    Simultaneously, I have absolutely no interest in checking out men. It’s seriously a one in ten thousand chance I’ll run into a guy that I would be like, “wow he’s drop dead” (of course the chances are higher when I’m in Chelsea hahaha). But I check out women all the time, I mean ALL the time. 

    But I don’t check people out to fulfill a sexual desire, they are simply like an art gallery to me. A canvas with a secret, where only some (and mostly women) tend to strike my curiosity. I could be looking at a homeless person for the same amount of time and reason. 

    So, ambisexual. 

    Food for thought. 


July 6, 2012

  • Dear Xanga, 

    It’s been a while since I’ve poured my heart out, but I’m thinking it might be a good idea seeing as the fingers in which I’m typing with are stinging with each key. I’ve just about bitten every nail to the point where it’s about to bleed. 
    As of Friday, my contract with J.P. Morgan has come to an end.
    Yesterday, I spent most of my day filing for unemployment. A bloody pain and a half; this grueling process began Tuesday with a total of about 10 internet page load fails mid-application , 4 phone disconnects, and several customer service agents in both English and Cantonese. 
    I then located 63 private equity funds headquartered in New York City and proceeded to attempt to apply to 11 different funds/banks and successfully applied to about 5. Private equity funds tend to hire either right out of top tier colleges or via referrals and headhunters, so I don’t have many options. Of the 63, I don’t expect that many more will have online applications. It seems many just have e-mails to the HR department at most. I’m drowning in desperation. I can’t fathom how long this process is going to take and I am competing against not only top tier graduates, but also laid off, overqualified applicants applying for positions which ju-st barely fit the bill for me. I’m terrified, caught in a catch 22 limbo where I am overqualified as entry level and under qualified as experienced. 
    However, amongst my distressed situation, I have found myself dumbfounded in gratitude.
    On July 4th I met up with two…. comrades. It’s a strange relationship we three have, a strange one. When we are burdened, we are all terrified to burden anyone else. Call it stubborn, call it independent, or what you will. And without my permission, they offered to help. Small gestures, subtle shows of concern, and a big attempt to cheer up the sulking cat. And it wasn’t just them, I’ve been called and texted by several good friends, trying to get me out of the house, trying to cheer me up. I miss a couple texts, and they start calling. Co-workers keeping telling me they miss me. I’m surrounded by warmth, support, and help. 
    Yesterday, Adam scolded me for my nail biting. And apparently for scratching my face and body with my nail-less fingers. He told me I shouldn’t be worried, I’m more than capable, I have him to depend on, we’re a team. I almost fell to my knees and cried. 
    What on earth did I do to deserve such kindness? I can’t fathom the deed. But I am so grateful, I’m so blessed with goodhearted, loving friends.
    Even my sister’s been super worried about me.
    LOL, I feel like I’m  bragging now, but I swear it’s not the intention. I just wanted to write it out. Friendship is very important to me. I wish I could give them the world. Gah, I’m all teary and can barely read the screen. I intended to write more but this is going to have to be it. 

July 3, 2012