Golden Heart

Listening in, to the chastely exchanges of wind
Told a story of a long-haired maiden.
She spoke with a pallid sigh, "They say,
Your heart is golden". She cries
Across a sea split by Moses, tears
Fall down her crimson eyes.
"As the tower bell chimes against me.
As my love tears the skies -
I, the unholy, know the treasure of sins.
Even as you martyr me,
Our laughter still
Resonates
In the soil - you buried me in.
They say, your heart is golden darling,
Yet I, the immortal,
I, the unblessed,
I, hold the key, to a silver chest".

And the journey begins.

I am beginning to see my weaknesses for what they are. Not the weaknesses that I knit-pick out from a basket, not the kinds of weakness that aren't deep enough to scar or strong enough to drastically change my behavior, not the one's I can dejustify by asking what a friend thinks or playing the compare game. The weaknesses I am seeing are genuine, they are untouched and very immature. And I am seeing them through you. You have opened my eyes. I see them clearly now and will do all I can to hide every bit of evidence they ever existed! But all in the meanwhile, I will gradually pick them away.

What people want.

What do people want? What do they want from themselves? What do they want from others? Where do social norms play a role in self-actualization? How can it be, that so many whom are not capable of governing themselves believe they are capable of governing the lives of others. The "complexity" of each indivual is so "deep", they spending countless days analyzing and re-evaluating  themselves, yet there is little to no action which their expections are met. Belying before a crowd and dare lays the hand of judgement while standing on a pedestool built by the carpenter amongst the sea of sinners among him.

Congrats to the newly weds Andy and Mandy!
Came back from the wedding last night w/ Ju was nice to see some old friends and chat and laugh and make jokes I felt a little over dressed at first but then Wei Yan and Yuki came to rescueee lol, they were dressed very nice. Its amazing that I've known those people for so long. It's amazing for all of us to sit together in a table nine years after we first met. Every one's grown and changed but were all united in the fact that we're here for our good friend's big day. To hear Gung Hua sing 朋友 as his song dedication, felt very nice The bride looked very beautiful, she glowed as if she were the happiest person there was. The groom also seemed very excited and happy. It was a beautiful sight and I was glad to be a part of it. I wish them all the best, I hope they stay just as happy and healthy as I saw them that day.

There are many things about me that are different. Things that many people can't quite wrap their finger around. One big thing that boggles them about me is how I love. I do not separate love from family, friends, and lovers.  They are the same. Simultaneously, they are as variant as the spread of the ocean. It worries people when I say this, because a man will ask, "Well then, what's the point of being your boyfriend if you love your best friend just as you love me?". My answers never seem to satisfy.

First let me define my current belief of what love is - love is an intimate understanding in which two people have of one another, and then acting upon such understandings in order to offer something to benefit the other.  In that sense, love is an ongoing process which requires a mutual constant effort to understand the other, as well as a constant effort to do things for them. People change, you cannot understand each other forever without any effort, you cannot love for eternity by doing nothing.

Sometimes, love can happen in an instant; where you share an intimate bond for only a short moment. It could even be with a stranger. The moment a bond exists, it defies time; undying and everlasting. That moment (that bond) will resonate forever, but your love for the person, is only momentary. The clarity and depth of a bond itself is unique to each individual; disregarding status, class, age etc. Furthermore, love cannot be single-sided, single-sided love is not a bond, it is a personal attachment, or an obsession.

My method of understanding any person is systematic and universal. However, for each individual, I act upon my understandings differently. The act of love proceeds the fundamental bond (of love) that needs to exist beforehand; and the act of love is where status comes into play.

The other question that bothers people about such answers is the concept that the bond is forever, while the act of love is inconsistent. How does this play in with old friends and past lovers? People who we just don't see quite as often as we once did. In my opinion, our bond is eternal. My love for you is forever. You will always hold a place in my heart, because the bond will always exist. How I act upon our bond, once again, depends on status. As an old friend/lover, I will try to understand you to the best of my capability. Although the bond we once had has changed, I will make the effort to understand you again. And when we are able to understand each other, we can treat each other as what we will perceive to be the best. Sometimes, best means different things. Maybe it is best not to be too close, maybe it is best to get closer, maybe it is best to act upon love differently than before, maybe it is best to pick up where we left off. You will know when you have the capability to understand. You will know when you are capable of loving.
With that note, my love for a person is everlasting. Not only will it exist infinitely, but each bond has been genuine. No one person is capable of replacing another. No new boyfriend/best friend/favorite cousin is capable of taking away a bond I have with another. The things I say to each person is not the same. Perhaps with the exception of "I love you ____", my message is unique, as yours is to mine.

There is no universal cliche reason as to why I love a person, our bonds reach deeper than that. I love you as a person, that is my bond with you. But I will show my love to you differently as our paths should deem appropriate.

So know this... If I love you, loved you, or tried to love you. We are forever. 我們是永遠的。

Finals week:

There is such a long journey ahead of me. And at the moment, I just feel so alone. The long walks in the cold. Season after season, as my body weakens. Nights get colder, caroling bells resonate behind me. I follow the path to the heavens blindly. Fallen on two knees. Hold me, my bones are falling apart. My dear, youth is a dying endeavor - dying, with every beat of my heart. I cannot do this alone. Digging through ice with bare hands in the darkness. I am frozen to stone. Diamond pebbles trickle beneath me. Unfaltering wind eats at my face. I fear forever. For eternity is solace - crystallized into a stained glass reality of my beholder. It is a tease, a joke, a silly ring of truth whispering through chains of hell. Why, you ask, why live in a dream? Focus on the chimes and mute out the screams. Live, for it is all you are given. Live, for your ends through your means. I am alive, and still I'm unseen. Choking for breath and caught in between - distant summers and hopeful springs. Frozen and cold, the colors of existence paint over me, laughing at the echoes of my expedition.

I am the root of humanity.

The burning pit of your stomach

With clenched teeth. I, am a monument

Of self-pity, blinded under a fog

Of passion.

I am derelict, wandering

On the bass of a heartbeat. Cry to me,

And the silver lining of desire will dawn

Upon you.

Seek me, I am the color of unclean,

A mirror of denial and

The embodiment of unfulfilled duty.

My face is unseen -

Until roses wither of waiting

I just had the most beautiful dream. Why it was beautiful, I can't really say, in fact the story line is kind of messed up. But there was just a moment in time, that's been resonating in my mind all morning.

The main character was a boy. He had long bangs, short brown hair, and a semi-mushroom haircut. He wore a leather jacket and jeans. His features were beautiful; even, ivory skin and lightly flushed cheeks. A strong jaw line, a thousand mile smile with pink lips and perfect teeth. His eyes were soft, eyelashes long, you could stare at them forever. The girl looked as if she came from the 80s, during Madonna's reign of fashion. She wore a jean jacket with a striped colored shirt, ripped jeans, and green leggings. She had relatively short, curly, dirty blond hair tied with a bandanna. Her eyes were pale green and a little gray. High cheekbones, her face was covered in nude colored make-up, mascara, eyeliner, and burgundy red lipstick. She was beautiful, fashionable, and irresistible. She was a romantic, and it showed in every bone of her body, she was a lover. Elegant healing hands, slender physique, with a touch of rebellion in her perfume.

The dream started with the boy at a bar. After breaking up with her (it's been a while since they've been together), he was lost. An ambitious man with no goal; sitting there with whiskey in his hand, he had no idea where to begin searching for his light at the end of the tunnel. He lifted his cup about to finish his drink when a woman pushed down his arm. "Watcha drinkin' kid?" she took the cup, bottomed up, and pulled him to the dance floor. She was probably in her early forties and worked as a secretary or some other low-end, low-paying, comfortable job. The boy's right hand gripped firmly onto the woman's hips and pulled her to him as they began to dance. He slid his left arm down her long, curly, red hair and asked her why she looks so happy tonight? The woman grins, "why not?".

The boy distances himself from the woman a bit to get a good look at her face, and as she smiled and talked on about whatever she was trying to say, the boy started having flashbacks. He tried to concentrate on the woman's face but instead he saw the girls' image again, the one I told you from before. The green eye jade of a lady who's heart he's broken so. He saw her rolling in the grass with him and wiping dirt off his face. He saw their first kiss at the movie theater, and her flushed face in the flashing screen. He saw her looking at him, as if he was the only person in the world worth looking at. And lastly, he saw her crying on the side of his bed when he said it was over.

He snapped out of it, smiled, and resumed to act as if he was listening to the woman. Whatever happened the rest of that night, appeared to be very positive because the woman took him home with her to the bedroom. The next morning, the woman began to make breakfast. The boy sat at the dining table. He peered over at the her cooking and commented on how much was being made, she smiled and asked him to be a good boy, and to wait to be served.

"Mom, are you really gonna go to that -" A girl stormed out of the hallway and stopped on her tracks.

"Hey honey, this is my new boyfriend, come sit and eat with him, I'm gonna be gone for a couple days, so you go ahead and do what you need to do, the money's in the safe box as always."

The girl paced over with one foot following the next, the world went wobbly as she made her way to the table.They glimpsed at each other and then avoided eye contact. The mother put the food on the table, bid farewell, grabbed her red jacket and slammed the door behind her.

Silence sank in. The boy was completely shocked to have seen her there. She got up and walked back into her room. For the rest of the day she sat on her bed quietly without a word. Her silence tortured him, he didn't know where to go or what to do. He just knew that he couldn't leave things the way they were.

The sun was going down, the shades made the whole apartment a faded color of blue. The boy picked up his guitar and began with a slow tune. Each finger made a distinct sound, they were heavy with regret. The boy inched his way down the hallway towards her room. He slowly began humming as he approached her bedside. She was sitting on her bed, toying with her hair scrunchie, she didn't know if she should move. She looked up at him and he began to sing the words. Her heart was heavy in pain, a million questions flying in different directions, slowing turning into the tunes of his soft voice. "I've missed you" was what she wanted to say. He came closer and closer until their foreheads and noses touched. He continued to sing til the end of the song. "I've missed you" he said, staring into her eyes. She stared back, still unable to speak, shocked, and breathing heavily. She started to smile painfully, as if she was about to cry. The sun went down.

And I woke up.

今天是一個新開始 ：）