Long awaited Xanga entry, I've evaded you so many times as I've been interrupted by work, social duties, and well, social duties. I want to write about a few things. Largely about my short trip home to Boston and New York.

I got to see my little sister, my mom, and family in Boston - like my cool @$$ cousins Carol and Winnie, aunts & uncles and grandparents. I can tell that my mom is struggling with a lot of things. I hope that she'll find peace eventually.

I got to see all of my closest friends. In order of whom I saw: Jeff, Billy, William, Pan, Cliff, Potato, Wei Hao, Randy, Lina, Eevee, Brian, Rodge, Lucy, Aldo, David, Screech, Vincent, Kitty. I went back mainly for the purpose of week-long job interviews while lugging my suitcase from place to place. Unfortunately, seems like I have no luck.

It felt so good to walk! To play a game of handball! To eat! I went to eat Sushi at East on 46th Street - OMG I haven't had sushi like that in SO long OMG... OMG. It was beyond delicious and fresh. Even though I am usually a Tuna sashimi fan, WHOA to the salmon, the white fish and yellow-tail. I usually hate white fish, so that tells you something. Of course I also haggled my friends into eating Malaysian and potatoes with me and Viet.

I also got to spend some time with Lucy. We went to see Resident Evil.. it was terrible. BUT we got free popcorn yay. Any who, my little Lucy has gone a long way, she's got that airy wiff of a 女人 now, it's great to see how she's progressing with schooling and life. And her wiener dog is so adorable.

Later on in the week, I hung out with Aldo for coffee and crepes in SoHo. I decided to get an Iced Hot Chocolate, and let me tell you, there was nothing hot about it. Disappointed. Tsk tsk tsk. But the cafe meet - up was a pleasant. I finally got the post cards from Latin America that I was expecting, as he was the first to call me from those countries.

Seeing my friends at Bentley was too short and I was too tired. But we had some hot pot, it was delicious. I had some of Jeff's mom's homemade fish paste and his personal home made egg custard (extremely salty - but I ate it). Jeff, Billy, William, and Pan were all very accommodating, it felt as if I never left campus. Also, Pan got me canolis, twas delish.

I also had dinner with Vincent, and of course, as usual, he filled up the cat big time. I'm definitely overly spoiled when I come home. He came out to see me even though it was raining out.

After that, I car serviced my way to Kitty, and got to hang with her family and Oreo. I don't know if Oreo remembers me per say, but he definitely remembers parts of me, that perv. HAHA, but still so amicable. Kitty had a lot of nursing homework so we didn't talk much, just minor chit chat. Kitty's really hard working with this nursing stuff, looking at Lucy and Kitty I feel a bit bleh about my personal college experience.

Chilling with Brian, Rodge, and Dave was really great. It was perhaps the most sh|t talking I've heard in a long time. Great laughs come with real messed up jokes. Not much has changed with them. I took a Cantonese class with David, that was quite interesting. NYU students are soooo NYU, very friendly bunch though.

Lastly, Friday night and Saturday I saw my night crew. The boys + Lina + Lucy. No one seems to have as much fun as we used to. I think we should start making funner plans together. Like a trip to Vegas or something. That would be really nice. Even for just a 3 days weekend. I also saw my god father, he finally picked up my call. Seems he's alright, and the same, as is his son JR.

Lastly, when I got off the plane, Adam was very happy to see me. And although I stressed him out for going out of the wrong entrance, he was very happy to see a Razzmatazz Jamba Juice in my hands for him. Carol loved those things!

Aside from seeing all these people. I wanted to talk about the direction I am heading towards with my life. I think I have found my niche in the financial services sector. That niche would be financial reporting/financial analysis. If I squeeze myself in there somewhere, I can figure out what else to do with my life. In one to two weeks, I will be able to confirm whether or not I will be back in NY for sure by January. Hope all goes well.

Jesus, I write too much about my friends o.O

Follow me, into an open field of forget-me-nots illuminating
Over a vibrant forest of slightly tainted trees where promises
Roam freely and dance alongside the creek.
Endless heart of mine, it awaits you to -
Valiantly look upon your reflection and, draw it in the sand.
Existence, you see? Do you exist to me? My questions -
Run in circles around your footprints,
Yearning for a hint of familiarity as I
Observe your every gentle gesture. If only you could stay longer -
Under promises of eternity. If only we could
Run, to the stars hand-in-hand, and
Still these moments forever.

Finally, some progress at work.

When I realized that love wasn’t unconditional.

I once believed that true love was unconditional, that a person was willing to go through any measure of lengths to make another happy. As I have grown, I have realized that as much as I had hoped to believe that such love exists between two people, as certain as I was that its potential existed within me, and as much as I wished that such love was reciprocated. I realized that I was wrong.

I first learned this through my mother. My mother meant everything to me as a child. Being one with no father, our hardships were countless. We were looked at with pity, weakness, shame. I wanted to protect her and give her a life where she wouldn’t need to struggle anymore. I truly believed, if I ever loved anyone, I loved my mother unconditionally.

Then I went to college. My mother and I had strained our relationship to a point beyond repair. I found myself fighting for her love, for her protection, and for myself. But I lost them all. All to a man I despised with every bone in my body. Cornered every step of the way with lies and empty promises; a part of me died. My strong beliefs of what family should be, shattered to pieces. I felt more than betrayed. I was dug a coffin and asked nicely to walk in as my mother turned the other way. It hurt like no other pain. It hurts even now, to look her in the eyes.

But no matter how much I wanted to love her, I couldn’t walk into that coffin.

Sometimes, in order to love a person, it causes harm to oneself. Sometimes, we think its okay.  We let it slip, even if it haunts us later on. We go through immeasurable lengths to love someone and we hold on to it for as long as we can. And we do it again. It’s like... an addiction.

Simultaneously, we fear.

We can’t willingly walk into that coffin; and when we are asked to, we respond with resentment. Such a request becomes unforgivable. And we remember forever.

A person can give infinite love, but they cannot love without loving themselves. By that, I may not necessarily mean their physical life, but their values, choices, and truths.

Unconditional, is a word of my past. I will bury and burn it with the flames of my will.

My goodness, I want to come home to NY and visit all my friends already ..
I'm SO HOMESICK!
I want to go up to see my cousins in Boston and eat Cabots ice cream.
I want to go back to being the house cat for Kresge 112 peeps at school.
I want to play MJ with my girls, and cook, and bake creme brulees while talking about girly issues.
I want to see my God daughter, that I've only held once in my life.
I want to see my sister and yell at her for not brushing her teeth, then congratulate her for being top of the class again.
I want to grab David's boobs and congratulate him for making it in the graduate program and grab his boobs again.
I want to be at everyone's birthday parties as they complain about being in their twenties and how time flies.
I want to be yelled at for never being around anymore and then embraced for always coming back.
I want to talk shit with my boys. Have a drink, talk more shit, laugh together, and then yell at Cliff for being such sucker sometimes.
I want to make another Salk reunion.
I want to see Brian and Rodge and talk about nerdy things.
I want to call every human person that I've missed since I've been gone (course I can't, married folk are quite bzbz)
I want to play handball. Sing K. Drink Bubbletea. Eat good food. Eat them potatoes on Doyer. Eat my ham and egg bun on Catherine. Eat my Viet on Baxter. Eat halal on 53rd and 6th with Adam and Kitty. Eat dollar pizza on 42nd. Eat roast pork at corner 28 in Flushing. Eat fishballs at the foodstand on Canal. Eat standfood at Poon Kee. Eat decent ho fun. Eat ridiculously sweet things with Vincent and watch everyone else get grossed out. March through battery park and enjoy the breeze. Walk through Broadway and brag to Kitty, Lucy, and Nikki about how I got a ridiculous deal on a shirt.
I want to marvel at the beautiful city I call home even though sometimes it smells like sh|t.
I want to live in the moments my heart misses and cherishes the very most.

 I once dated a boy named Adam. He was a shy, dopey little boy with glasses and bangs.

He was the new guy who transferred in the middle of 7th grade. Quite the peculiar one, I'd say. And being the man hating, junior high school girl I was, I decided introduce myself to him. I walked up to the quiet, dopey little boy with a smile and waved, "Hi! I'm Prima! Don't f*(k with me!" and trotted along to start gym class.

Apparantly, that seemed to catch his attention. As shortly after the incident, the shy little boy decided to make an effort to get to know me. One morning, as I walked in, many of my classmates got up and began pushing the poor boy in my direction. And in his hand, held a single rose.

He pretty much threw it at me in embarassment and ran away.

Well that's alright. It was cute. So during recess, I made a decision. I paced over to the other side of the playground and headed right towards him. As I approached, I could see the fear in his eyes as I shoved him into a wall.

"I like you too!" I yelled, as I walked away as quickly as I could with a flushed face. And we started dating. Sure I wasn't the best girlfriend, I'd hurt sometimes on purpose, and sometimes by accident...

Sometimes, I'd throw unreasonable fits...

Sometimes they were reasonable, because other woman wanted Mr. Popular.

But nevertheless, we had a short-lived but happy time together.

And he made me a promise that I would never forget. He said that no matter what happens, he will always love and protect me.

Our relationship ended after two and a half-months and didn't really speak to each other during the rest of our time in junior high.

We began speaking to each other again during prom. I told him that we had no reason to hate each other, as we were eachother's first relationship, that we should at the very least be friends.

And friends we were ... all throughout high school and college. We had gone our seperate ways, lived very different lives, and experienced very different relationships. Even so, we had made an effort to remain good friends. He was there for me for my first break-up when my other ex had moved to Texas. And I was there for him when he had his really bad break up with his ex after thinking that he was going to marry her. But we'd speak on and off, on and off, and continued to see and pursue other people. Years later, I had experienced my 3rd breakup. I was a mess. I felt that I was completely alone.

And he was one of the few good friends who lent a shoulder. After that, we became closer once again

And one day, the little dork decided, that it would be a good time to ask me out again.

And although flattered and happy, ultimately, I didn't quite know how to put it besides...

And we played the little game of:

And it really hurt him.

I had my doubts... Many in fact. Like how getting back together never works, that it's an insult to the idea of commitment. Or that it wasn't that he still liked me these whole 9 years, but rather, that he liked the idea of being with me; because let's face it, we just don't know each other like that anymore. Or... even worse, he could be getting back with me for revenge when I left him all those years ago.

I mean imagine all the doubts I can think of over a 9 years time. There's just no way...

But I did enjoy spending time with him He even liked spending time my sister

 But after some good times, I'd hurt him again...

 By saying no.

And as certain as I was of my decision, I couldn't help but see, that... he brought out a different side of me.

That he was always there for me.

And through all the rejections, when all the roses turned black...

He went through it patiently. Genuinely hoping that one day I could give him a second chance. So that he could make me happy, that we could grow old together...

And, so I said yes one more time..

I think I gotta good catch

I have been exposed to a new level of criticism. Someone explained to me, that he didn’t appreciate an actor’s performance because it was too black and white. It was explained to me that the world doesn’t exist in black and white, but in grays, and people who are incapable of seeing how the world operates becomes limited in their abilities. He seems to view those who see in black and white as stubborn, ignorant, most likely religious, or blind-sighted in some form of a matter.

I do understand his point, that the world operates mostly in gray, and that people cannot ignore this truth. So I began thinking about what types of people think in black in white. Some examples include:

“I will never be as happy as when I was with you” (stubborn), “Good and Evil, superheroes and villains, where criminals will always be bad guys” (blind-sighted in some form of a matter), “Racists” (ignorant), “the only way to god, is through prayer and good practice”(religious).

Well, it seems that when people want to prove a point, or try to make something happen. Everything must be seen in a clear cut black and white. Black and white thought processes lead to ultimatum decision making. So it seems that people who think in grays are negotiators; someone who is not only able in seeing how the world works, but can connect these grays, work with them, and work through them. So essentially he is a negotiator, a middleman, one who does all the dirty work and make two things that shouldn’t, come and work together.

Now why would people want to think in black and white?

Starting with the first example, stubbornness, “I will never be as happy as when I was with you”. This person believes (s)he has found the best option, the only option (s)he wants to choose. Of course this person is aware of other alternatives, but why settle for less?

The second example is the classic “good and evil” example. We all know that two-face from the dark knight had a tough time, that all he wanted to do was good, and due to traumatic incidents, made some mistakes. One could argue that he is not a bad person, one could argue that he is just following his ideals by bringing order to what world order deems fair. One could argue many things, but it is up to Batman and the judicial system to deem him a danger to society. If we were to ignore his once, untainted white knight record, or the causes of other’s actions that bore the fruit of his misdeeds, we would indeed be blind-sighted. If nothing were to be done about the corruption and fragility of the police force, then we would also be blind sighted. But awareness doesn’t change the fact that two-face needs to go to jail. There is a need to make a black and white decision for the safety of the people.

Racism is a classic problem for black and white thinkers. People need to feel secure and that feeling must mean that they need to believe their group is superior and safe from harm and discrimination. Thus people are afraid and unwilling to accept change. I agree that this is a problem. It is a problem because their fundamental beliefs are wrong. Because there is no real black and white in racism, there is no good choice or bad choice, only what I am and what I am not. They want to believe in racism because they believe it will lead to better living conditions for themselves.

Lastly, there is religion. When I read the Bhagavad Gita, they explain that if you want to reach enlightenment, you must follow one of the two-fold path; “the path of self-knowledge for the comtemplative ones, and the path of unselfish work for all others”. Why was it written in such a simple manner? It was pretty black and white. If you are one who can’t think much, and aren’t capable of influence as some priests, then do not use what you’re not good at, and use what you can. Is the author of the Bhagavad Gita a person who thinks in black in white? I don’t think so, but when writing, or trying to make a point, it is very clear what should be done. Religion makes it clear and simple so that followers can follow.

In my opinion, black and white thought processes are a means to an ultimate goal. Black and white is the second to last step of the decision making process tree, where they know what they want, and do what they can to achieve their goal. Black and white is effective leadership.

 If you are a person who exists mostly within the gray, you are a negotiator following the needs of the black and white leaders. You are not a leader, but a person that gives leaders a plausible outcome. It is a very important job, the negotiators in turn need to be able to visualize the unreachable goals, and apply them as best they can to grays. While the black and whites look at the grays, and think to themselves, this mess could be better if _____ (insert purified idealistic goal). And the process starts again.

Sometimes, black and white can be wrong, like racism and religions. But without people who think in black and white, effective leadership wouldn’t exist.

So, I have noticed, that I don't do those silly pre-made surveys anymore. They get lame and repetitive eventually, however, I usually read them over every couple years to see how my opinions have changed. Since I don't do that anymore, or really publicize myself in the about me section of Facebook. I am going to make an about me entry as an update (mostly for myself) in the perspective of who I think I am and how I believe people generally percieve me.

Who: I am Prima |_ai.I am Prima |_ai to myself and to others. Surprisingly enough, most people remember me vividly by first and last name. Some people agree that it sounds like a soap product, either way, my last name is very important. I am |_ai, a white |_ai (well, a half-white |_ai).

What do I:
Do?: I am currently a full-time finance intern. In reality however, I am more like a finance/accounting/operations intern. Which is great! I love the exposures of a small business. People generally don''t view me as finance anything, and well, neither do I. But I still enjoy doing what I do.
Like to do?: I love people, sports - Love handball, football, dodgeball, and basketball; like tennis, volleyball, bowling, baseball, snowboarding, arts - sketching, architecture, interior design, martial arts - Jet Li's the man, writing poetry, learning languages - but I am working on fluently mastering my mother-tounge,Chinese. People generally percieve me as either VERY Chinese, VERY athletic, or VERY social butterfly ish.
Want to do?: Small grocery list: I want to master Chinese, master Spanish, complete my hung-gar training, learn various forms of tai chi, go to beauty school, take bartending classes for a part-time job, start my own business, keep all my friends, makes sure my sister gets through college without trouble, live in manhattan. For now. People generally think I may want to move to China and be a teacher or something? No clue why.
Want to be?: That's my little secret . People seem to think that I may become very well off in the future.
Live for?: To understand and be understood in the way that I hope for. People generally believe that I live for love. People generally believe I am very naiive in a narrow sense that I am too optimistic.
Believe in?: I'm agnostic. I believe in myself, and I believe in a handful of people.
Feel?: I am a person who keeps my emotions in a glass globe. They are visible but unexposed. I feel that the decisions I have made are more important to be kept in progress than to appease the desires of my emotions. People generally believe that I am a very caring person, who is distant about their own problems, and can be rather cold about it. People generally don't feel close (enough) to me as a result.

Where:
Am I?: I'm in North Carolina. People generally believe I am in the middle of no where.
Do I want to be?: Home to New York City. People generally want me there too >.<. Maybe not David, cuz i torture him too much!

When:
Will I achieve my goals?: I believe that I have achieved almost everything I have ever needed to achieve. For I have accomplished the goals that I live for. As for all the things I want to do, it would be nice to learn, but not necessary. People generally believe I haven't completed my goals because I have yet to marry and have children.

Why:
Do I exist?: Because I exist within people. People generally agree.

How:
Will I exist?: I don't know anymore. People generally believe I will exist sucessfully.

Hi everyone

The few who still stop by and check up on my life occasionally anyway. There's a few things that i want to update you guys on.

1.) I am now an official Bentley University graduate of 2010.

2.) I am now officially a godmother to Eevee Kiari Liu, child of Randy and Lina Liu.

3.) My family has moved out of New York City, and now own a house in Maryland.

4.) I am currently working in Charlotte, North Carolina.

5.) I am happy doing what I must do to get my feet up off the ground, but I miss my friends and family dearly

I am future oriented. A person who treasures the past and pray towards a future. A person with little regards for the present, for the present, was just a second ago. Living in the presence of present, my values seem more like unnattainable dreams. This "truth" is a boulder crushing my ribcages in against the soil.

I know of many people who live in the present. Some are very successful, they learn to live in the moment, capitalize and create, it is a wondrous phenomenon. But most who live in the present, live day to day, waiting for the next day to come. They are incredibly lazy and short-term oriented. They have many opinions and no resolve.

I don't want to live in the present, it makes me sluggish, like them. But those who live in the present wish for me to do so. To live in what they call "reality". And reality, for them is painful, fearful, and boring. There must always be something to do, whether it be with or without purpose. Their lives are full of mistakes and regrets. Full of irriplacable damage to the heart and soul. Many of them are dictated by their emotions. And they think that that is what it means to live.

I'm sorry, I don't see what you all see.

And I'm happier.